


Rocky Trails (The Taste of Victory remix)

by chicago_ruth



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: 2012 Summer Olympics, Angst, M/M, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-03 08:31:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicago_ruth/pseuds/chicago_ruth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The best way to ensure that neither of them get their hearts broken (and that both of them can concentrate on their respective sports) is for them to break up. For some reason, life doesn't get easier for Gwaine when they do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rocky Trails (The Taste of Victory remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nightfox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightfox/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Taste of Victory](https://archiveofourown.org/works/482728) by [Nightfox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightfox/pseuds/Nightfox). 



It's on his favorite trail that Gwaine realizes he needs to break up with Merlin.

He nearly crashes the bike, even though there are no real obstacles on this particular stretch. That near-crash though, that's exactly what his relationship with Merlin is right now. Every time they skype, Gwaine is afraid of saying something stupid, something a lot like "I love you," and he's just a hair's breadth away from careening off a cliff.

After getting himself back on balance, he tries to think of a way around it. They're already miles apart, and they don't see each other that much anymore. The novelty of the sex has worn off anyway. Gwaine _knows_ Merlin, he can push all of Merlin's buttons exactly right, and that's boring. That's the opposite of mountain biking, where every ride is a new adventure.

So yes: he should break up with Merlin. No. He _needs_ to break up with Merlin, for both their sakes.

Gwaine doesn't want to give up his freedom, not for anybody. Better to end it amicably.

\--

Not that it goes the way he planned.

"What do you mean, see less of each other?"

Gwaine almost takes it back when faced with Merlin's expression. "Just that, babe, we both know this long distance thing isn't working."

He has a list of reasons a mile long as to why what he has with Merlin isn't working, and the one on top is that being with Merlin sets more terror coursing through his body than any bumpy mountain descent ever could. 

"We should both be concentrating on our careers," Gwaine says, because while that might not be the top reason, it's right up there as well. "I don't understand much about archery, but I know you love it, Merlin. You shouldn't be dividing your attention right now."

And then, surprisingly, Merlin nods. "You're right. It's a bit tough. Probably for the best if we cool it off."

That hurts. Gwaine expected Merlin to cry or plead for him to reconsider, and he might even have done it. But now it seems like Merlin never cared in the first place. 

They talk a bit more, agree to stay friends, and the moment the call ends Gwaine grabs his gear and rushes to get on his bike. He needs to lose himself. He needs to not think. This is what he wanted. Three years is far longer than he's ever been with anybody, far longer than he's _wanted_ to be with anybody.

Gwaine almost crashes into a parked car when he turns the next corner, and he growls for letting himself get this fucking distracted over a breakup he wanted.

It's good that he's no longer dating Merlin. Better to end it now than to wait for Merlin to wake up and realize that he deserves so much more than Gwaine.

\--

The problem is, even though he's not _with_ Merlin, Gwaine still feels like he's cheating when he goes home with somebody. He's tried men and women of all different types, and no matter how good the sex is, he's always overcome with guilt the next morning.

The worst is when the one chick asks Gwaine if he's got a magic kink or something, because he kept saying _Merlin_ while he was fucking her.

But Gwaine keeps trying, because it's been a year and a half since he broke it off between them and pining for Merlin is just pathetic, especially now that Merlin is apparently happy with Arthur Pendragon, of all people.

"Turns out, he knows how to be nice under that pompous exterior of his," Merlin tells him once over skype, smiling like he's letting Gwaine in on a secret.

Whatever Arthur Pendragon's good points are, Gwaine barely hears them with the way the blood is rushing through his ears. He never considered the possibility that Merlin might find somebody else, believed Merlin would throw himself into archery. 

Somehow, Gwaine deluded himself into thinking that Merlin's smiles would never be directed at anybody but _him_.

Now he knows better, it feels like he's wiped out and face-planted into sharp little rocks. And for the first time in his life, Gwaine doesn't feel like getting back on the bike.

\--

It takes all of Gwaine's power not to punch Arthur Pendragon in the face when they run across each other in Nuremburg, in the Albrecht Dürer house.

He doesn't even understand how this happened. He's on _vacation_ , taking in the scenery, biking from one German town to the next. Trying to put some distance between himself and home so he can sort through his head; he needs to be as sure of himself as possible for the Olympics in a few months.

There's no reason for Arthur to even be here. Did Pendragon even like art?

"My sister decided it was high time I saw her new apartment, and I figured I might as well take in the local culture," Arthur explains, and he looks fucking smug as he's talking, too. "Maybe next time I'll bring Merlin. Think he'd like that?"

Merlin would probably be thrilled by any form of public acknowledgement from Arthur, because from what little Merlin has said about their relationship, it's kept behind closed doors. Gwaine's fist itches, but he forces himself to breathe deeply and release the tension.

He smiles, the biggest, smarmiest grin he can manage. "Well, Merlin always did _love_ it when I showed him new things. The things you can get away with in public if people aren't paying attention..."

That has the effect of making Arthur's expression falter and his face turn red. "Merlin would never--"

"Oh, he doesn't do those things with you? Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up." Maybe if he keeps going, he can bait Arthur into saying something really stupid. 

It's not worth it though. Fact of the matter is that, no matter what Gwaine says here, Arthur is still the one who gets to go back to Merlin. So Gwaine just walks away, and knows that he'll spend the night drinking.

\--

About a month after he runs into Arthur Pendragon, Gwaine notices Merlin logged in to skype. Their calls are becoming infrequent these days, so much that Gwaine sometimes thinks he's finally forgotten the sound of Merlin's voice. (That's a lie: on every trail, Gwaine can still hear echoes of Merlin's encouragements, telling him how great he is, how well he did, how hot he looks when he’s all sweaty and his hair is plastered down by the helmet.)

Gwaine doesn't let himself find excuses; he presses the video call button.

Merlin is absolutely beaming when he answers. "Gwaine!"

Gwaine pretends for a moment that Merlin is smiling for him. He pretends that his call made Merlin's day, that Merlin was feeling down and now that Gwaine is talking to him, the world is right for him.

There has probably never been a time when that was true, but Gwaine pretends anyway.

"I made the cut! I'm in the Olympics!"

Oh. Gwaine is surprised by the swell of emotion in him. He can't bring himself to feel bitter about this, because he knows how hard Merlin worked for it. The fact that it only became possible once they split up doesn't change it. He smiles back at Merlin and says, "That's fucking fantastic!"

There's no stopping Merlin after that; he's gushing about how much of an opportunity it is, how great his coach is, how Arthur had said, "I knew you'd make it," and all amazing people who had helped him get to this point.

"Even you, Gwaine," he adds, and Gwaine chokes up a bit.

"What are you talking about? All I did was drag you around and make you watch me bike."

"If it hadn't been for you, I don't think I would have gone pro! I'd still think it was just a quaint hobby. Watching you turn your love of biking into an actual career…"

Gwaine does remember Merlin being an awkward teenager, already lamenting the days when he'd have to stop competing and focus on just his studies. He vaguely remembers a conversation under the stars, discussing their futures. (Gwaine thinks he must have been half drunk, because he also remembers making a terrible pun about _shooting for the stars_.)

The problem is, Gwaine was completely self-absorbed back then. He knows that Merlin was just convenient, at first: a way to get out of the house and forget all the problems at home. He still hasn't figured out how their semi-casual fucking turning into regular fucking, he's still lost on why Merlin stuck it out with him that first year. Or the next two.

"That was all you, Merlin," Gwaine says. He suddenly wants to call Merlin _babe_ like he used to, has this burning desire to wrap his arms around him and bury his head in Merlin's shoulder.

He's given up his right to do that though. Three years hasn't been enough to stop himself from _wanting_ , but Gwaine will keep trying. 

\--

Watching Merlin in London steals his breath away. 

If he could, Gwaine would be sitting in the stands, watching Merlin compete live, but he has his own races to run. Later, in his hotel room, he watches the replay of Merlin's shooting and can't stop his hands from stroking himself.

He can't remember Merlin ever looking that fired up about anything. Them breaking up was _good_ for him, giving him more time to focus. And as much as Gwaine hates to admit it, Arthur Pendragon obviously helped Merlin hone his training in ways that only another archer could.

Gwaine lays an arm across his eyes, pumps his cock, and listens to Merlin talking about what an honor it is to win the gold.

\--

The next morning, Merlin calls him. Gwaine puts on his best smile and congratulates him, tries to talk a bit about his own race, but all the while he just wishes he could hang up and never see Merlin again. It hurts too much.

Until--

"I broke up with Arthur."

Gwaine chokes on his breath. "What? Why?"

"I... I can't tell you. Not over the phone. Can we meet?"

It's a bad idea. They've hung out before, and he still thinks of Merlin as one of his best friends, but now? Now he doesn't know if he'll be able to keep himself from saying something stupid. There's the slightest glimmer of hope though, one that makes him say, "Of course."

When they do meet up, Gwaine can see what was hidden on TV. He sees how tired Merlin is, and he sees how upset he is. Gwaine pulls him into a hug before he knows what he's doing.

"He didn't deserve you," Gwaine says.

Merlin nods, and there's a hard set in his voice as he says, "He didn't."

They pull away from each other, and Merlin explains everything that happened -- the steroids and the rigging and above all, the lies -- and when he's through, Gwaine wishes he _had_ punched Arthur Pendragon.

"What are you going to do?" Gwaine asks, sitting as close to Merlin as he dares.

"Nothing. What can I do? I'll find a new coach. Join a new team. If it gets out, my career is just as ruined as his."

They sit some more, watching people walk past them. Gwaine mulls over all the revelations. He wonders why Merlin confided in him, when Gwaine has done nothing to earn it.

Maybe he can start earning it now though. He clears his throat, keeps his eyes on the distance, and says, "I want to tell you the real reason why I broke up with you."

"What? No, that's past us, you don't need to--"

"I do. I need to tell you. I don't want it to be a horrible secret that I keep for myself."

"I--"

Merlin probably thinks Gwaine is selfish, talking about this _now_. But Gwaine forces the words out. "I love you. And that scared me. It scares me now, too. But back then... I saw you working on your sport, I saw you getting better, I saw the distance between us growing, and I thought that there was no way you would stay with me. So I broke it off, because I'm a coward. And I'm still terrified, but I don't want to be a coward, and I don't want to not have you in my life."

Gwaine dares to look at Merlin, but the other man's expression is completely blank now. Gwaine sighs. "I'm not saying I want to get back together with you. I mean, I do, but I don't deserve that. I just... I want you to know me. For real this time. I don't want to be hiding from you, the way I did then, the way Pendragon was."

He doesn't know what else to say, so he lets his words trail off. Maybe he's ruined everything now. Merlin doesn't need this. And he doesn't want to be Merlin's rebound either. He closes his eyes and waits.

After a few moments, Merlin stands up. "I'm kind of mad now. But," he pauses briefly, "I understand." 

Gwaine feels Merlin's hand on his shoulder, and he opens his eyes to look. 

"I don't know what's going to happen, Gwaine. But I do value your friendship. Maybe, once I'm settled in my life again, we can give it another shot."

Gwaine smiles sadly. "I'm not so great at shooting."

This time Merlin chuckles. "But I am. You'll see."

So he leaves, and Gwaine is sitting alone, but for once he doesn't feel lonely. He doesn't feel like he's screwed up the best thing in his life.

He's still scared, but this time, he'll face life with the same mentality as he faces biking: enjoying every little bump and dip in the road, accepting the crashes and bruises and above all, never giving up.


End file.
